Thursday, September 3, 2009

My Love Life Rules...

So if you read my last know that I now have a new favorite blog called IM BOY CRAZY by Alexi Wasser! So while I was reading the blog I came across this post...and realized that theses are the actual rules I use in my dating/sex life...Enjoy!!!

1. Always carry breath spray and baby wipes. Just in case anyone wants to kiss you or go down on you.
-Remember women! We don’t do anything gross! I’m not going into specifics. Let’s leave it at that.

2. Every time you have sex or mess around with a dude, you should go to your gyno and get tested for everything! That way if you get anything (even though some things show up later/and are latent) you have a better idea of who gave you what! Hopefully you won’t get a thing! But, just in case!

3. Don’t have anal sex! guys might get the impression that you’re gross! tell them you had that hole sewed up years ago and you threw away the key! why would we need a hole like that? we don’t do gross stuff.

4. Things a man should do:
A.) Hold the door for you.
B.) Offer to pay! AND he should ALWAYS pay if he’s the one who asked you on the date and invited you out in the first place. ladies, i strongly feel-and i have experienced a lot to know that the advice I’m giving you is true-that the man should for always pay. BUT, if he cant, you should SPLIT it. when a woman pays for the entire date or rent or whatever, whether he knows it or not, it’s emasculating. men, don’t be mad, I’m totally advocating an even split of the bill. i just feel like if one person is gonna pay it should always be the man. i don’t give a fuck if it’s 2008. you guys are eventually gonna ask us for anal sex, accidentally impregnate us-forcing us to either get the morning after pill, have an abortion, have a miscarriage, or be the mother of your child-so can’t you just hold the goddamn door and pay for my food at baja fresh before we fuck? Jesus! who raised you? it feels just as good and sexy to be a real man, a real gentleman, as it does to be treated like a lady. let’s give a nod to our forefathers and play our parts!
C.) The man should get tested for HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, genital warts, hpv…EVERYTHING! doesn’t it feel like its always us girls getting the testing done? it’s easy to do, so make him get tested. use sex and stuff as his incentive. pout and look cute. get it done!

5. You CAN get preggers on your period!

6. Never have unprotected sex! (everybody does, we just all lie about it! behind closed doors everyone’s using the pull out method! don’t lie bitches, I’m watching you-plus, i do it too. whoopsies!)

7. Even when it’s protected, you should always make sure he pulls out before he cums.

8. No matter what he says-cum and/or his pee is not good for clearing up zits! what a scumbag!

9. Again: the hole is sewn up and cannot be unsewn!

10. Patchouli is never ok!

11. A lot of dudes are gay. A lot of dudes aren’t gay. Your job is to figure out which are which. Good luck! Cuz I can’t tell anymore.

12. Take a bath in epsom salt at least once a day. Use it for your longest soak. It gets rid of any water you might be retaining.

13. Drink at least 1.5 L of water daily. But be wary of the dream dashers who will try to bum out your new water incentive by telling you that too much water will flush out all your vitamins and kill you. These are lame, jealous, and unhappy people. Just try to drink your water.

14. Shave your legs everyday-even though I’m a big believer in the theory that the night you DON’T shave your legs is the night you end up meeting the boy of your dreams/or sexiest makeout ever!

15. Get rid of all the negative people in your life. Toss ‘em. They’re energy drainers, and there’s no time for them.

16. Try not to be one of these energy drainers. Otherwise, you might get tossed!

17. You can’t feel bad or hurt by someone-unless u let them hurt you. I’m talking about feelings and emotions and stuff. A punch in the face will totally hurt anyone! So take control of your feelings and don’t let anyone hurt them or have power over you. Haven’t you seen the last scene of labyrinth!? “you have no power over me!” Jesus!

18. Even if u aren’t letting people hurt your feelings-be consciously aware of the assholes who try to. wish them well in your mind, and then get the fuck away from them. You don’t have to be a hater to cut the dead weight out of your life my little babies! Shit, that reminds me, I’ve gotta sort some shit out in my own life.

19. Sex makes you happy: unless you were raped or molested and it brings back weird memories. in which case, that’s totally terrible and I’m sorry. you should talk to a therapist. feel free to write to me and I’ll suggest someone qualified to help you deal with that. you are loved.

20. Movies/TV shows to watch if your pms’y or sad or just wanna feel girly and super awesome:

dazed and confused

broken english

when harry met sally

valley girl

16 candles


pretty in pink

notting hill

high fidelity


last days of disco

my wife is an actress


my so called life


arrested development

Madonna documentary- I’m going to tell you a secret

unzipped-isaac mizrahi documentary

truth or dare

project runway

the hills

beverly hills 90210-old school version

tim guns guide to style


30 rock

freaks and geeks

conan o’brian

(light easy breezy viewing that will make you feel like a citizen of cozytown usa!) xo
Like I said I had no doing in making theses rules. It's from my new favorite blog by Alexi Wasser at IM BOY CRAZY !!! There are a lot more rules so go and check her out!